When couples reach a crossroads in their relationship, the decision to stay together or part ways can be daunting. For some, this decision is clouded by uncertainty and mixed emotions—one partner might lean towards separation, while the other is desperate to hold the relationship together. This ambivalence can make traditional couples therapy challenging, as the mixed levels of commitment can hinder progress. This is where discernment counseling comes in, offering a powerful way to reduce ambivalence and strengthen the commitment to couples therapy.
Discernment counseling is a short-term, focused process designed to help couples gain clarity about the future of their relationship. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both partners are fully committed to working on the relationship, discernment counseling acknowledges that one or both partners may be uncertain. This approach is particularly useful for “mixed-agenda” couples, where one partner is considering leaving, and the other wants to save the relationship.
The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the relationship but to help couples decide whether to try to repair it through full-scale couples therapy or to move toward separation in a healthy and respectful manner. Over the course of up to five sessions, couples explore their feelings, understand their contributions to the relationship dynamics, and consider the possible outcomes of staying together or parting ways.
One of the most significant benefits of discernment counseling is that it reduces ambivalence, making couples therapy more effective. Here’s how:
Creating a Safe Space for Honest Dialogue: In discernment counseling, both partners are given a chance to express their feelings without the pressure to “fix” things immediately. This honesty can reduce the defensive or resistant behaviors that often emerge when one partner feels cornered into making a decision about the relationship.
Clarifying Individual Concerns and Goals: Each partner has time to reflect on their concerns and what they hope to achieve, whether they decide to stay together or part ways. This clarity can reduce the uncertainty that often paralyzes couples, helping them to move forward with more confidence.
Exploring All Options: Discernment counseling provides a structured way to explore all possible futures—staying together as is, separating, or committing to couples therapy. By thoroughly examining these paths, couples can make a more informed decision that respects both partners’ needs and desires.
Strengthening the Decision to Engage in Therapy: If a couple decides to pursue therapy after discernment counseling, they do so with a stronger commitment. The process helps them enter therapy with a shared goal, increasing the likelihood of a successful outcome. They know why they are there, and both partners are more likely to invest the necessary time and effort.
The effectiveness of couples therapy is closely tied to the commitment of both partners. When both individuals are fully invested in the process, they are more likely to put in the work required to rebuild trust, improve communication, and address deep-seated issues. However, when ambivalence is present, therapy can stall, and progress may be limited.
Discernment counseling helps eliminate this ambivalence, making couples therapy a more viable and productive option. When couples move forward with therapy after discernment counseling, they do so with a clearer sense of purpose and a mutual understanding of what they hope to achieve.
If you and your partner are struggling with the decision to stay together or part ways, consider discernment counseling as a first step. It can provide the clarity you need to make the best decision for both of you. Whether you ultimately choose to engage in couples therapy or move toward separation, discernment counseling ensures that you do so with a clear mind and a full heart.
If you’re ready to explore your options and reduce the uncertainty in your relationship, take the first step by reaching out today. Investing in this process now could save you months or even years of indecision, giving you and your partner the clarity you need to move forward—together or apart.
If you are near Prosper, Texas or anywhere in Texas (Dallas, Austin, Frisco, Plano, Witchita Falls, San Antonio, Houston) or Washington state (Seattle, Bellevue, Kirkland, Spokane, Bellingham, Everett) and considering discernment counseling, I’d love to help you on that journey.
Contact Lisa Delaplace, LCSW-s, LICSW, CST today to learn more about how discernment counseling can help you find the path that’s right for you. Click the button below or fill out the form.
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