Sexual desire discrepancies are a common challenge in many relationships. While much attention is often given to the partner with lower desire, being the partner with higher desire comes with its own set of emotional struggles. If you find yourself in this position, you may experience a range of feelings—disappointment, shame, frustration, and even anger. Understanding these emotions and learning how to navigate them is key to maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship.
The Emotional Impact of Being the Partner with Higher Desire
When you have a higher level of sexual desire than your partner, it can feel incredibly isolating. Here are some of the common emotions you might experience:
1. Disappointment:
You might feel disappointed when your sexual advances are turned down or when your partner doesn’t seem to share your level of interest in physical intimacy. This can lead to feelings of rejection and sadness, making you question your desirability or the strength of your connection.
2. Shame:
Societal norms and stereotypes about sexual desire can exacerbate feelings of shame. You might worry that wanting sex more often makes you seem needy or that there’s something wrong with you for having a higher libido. These feelings of shame can become internalized, leading to self-doubt and decreased self-esteem.
3. Anger and Resentment:
It’s not uncommon to feel frustrated or even angry when your sexual needs aren’t being met. Over time, this frustration can turn into resentment toward your partner, creating a divide that impacts your emotional and physical connection.
Strategies for Managing Disappointment and Reducing Pressure
Navigating these emotions is crucial for both your well-being and the health of your relationship. Here are some strategies to help you manage your feelings and reduce the pressure on your partner:
1. Manage Disappointment with Self-Compassion:
It’s essential to acknowledge and validate your feelings of disappointment without allowing them to dominate your emotional landscape. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that it’s normal to feel this way and that your desire for connection is valid. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or seeking therapy can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.
2. Increase Intimacy Outside of Sex:
Intimacy isn’t solely about sexual connection; it’s also about emotional closeness and shared experiences. Focus on building intimacy with your partner outside of the bedroom by engaging in activities you both enjoy, having deep conversations, or simply spending quality time together. Strengthening your emotional bond can create a more fulfilling relationship and may even lead to increased physical intimacy over time.
3. Reduce Pressure on Your Partner:
It’s natural to want more sexual connection, but pressuring your partner can create a negative cycle where they become even less interested in sex. As sex therapist Martha Kauppi wisely said, “Reducing pressure for sex doesn’t guarantee that your partner will want sex, but not reducing pressure will guarantee that they won’t.” By removing the expectation of sex, you create a more relaxed and loving atmosphere, which can help your partner feel more comfortable and open to intimacy in their own time.
Practicing Self-Differentiation
When discussing sexual desire discrepancies with your partner, it’s important to approach the conversation with self-differentiation—a concept that involves maintaining your individuality while staying emotionally connected to your partner. This means:
Expressing Your Needs Clearly: Share your feelings and desires without making your partner feel guilty or responsible for fulfilling them. Use “I” statements to communicate your perspective and avoid placing blame.
Listening with Empathy: Understand that your partner’s experience is just as valid as yours. Listen to their concerns without interrupting or trying to immediately solve the issue. This creates a safe space for open dialogue.
Balancing Connection with Independence: While it’s essential to nurture your relationship, it’s equally important to maintain your sense of self. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship. This can reduce feelings of resentment and help you approach your partner with a more balanced perspective.
Seeking Professional Support
Navigating sexual desire discrepancies can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re struggling with the emotional impact of being the partner with higher desire, or if this issue is causing tension in your relationship, seeking professional help can make a world of difference.
Lisa Delaplace, LCSW-S, CST, at Wise Mind Relationship Counseling, PLLC, is a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples work through sexual and relational challenges. With her compassionate guidance, you can learn how to manage your emotions, communicate more effectively with your partner, and find ways to enhance both your sexual and emotional connection.
Don’t let sexual desire discrepancies create a rift in your relationship. Take the first step towards understanding and healing by reaching out to Wise Mind Relationship Counseling, PLLC today to schedule a consultation.
